Confessions of a Wino

Andy Hayler is living proof that being a software entrepreneur can actually season globe-trotting gastronautismological ambitions. And he has finally managed to combine both careers, commercially, with the launch of Wine Search, an iPhone app that checks the price of erm…wine.

Having sold only 20,000 apps at £1.49 each, probably amounting to around a month’s wages in his heyday, I challenged Andy that he had not yet even covered the development costs. He replied that the dev costs were “actually not that high” and reported the venture as profitable.  Fair enough, worth a try then.

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Jersey is the most beautiful of islands but, let’s be honest, it’s a bit Wicker Man.  I feel like I am in a 1970’s time-warp.  Even my beloved and essential iPhone is rendered useless by a lack of suitable networks.  No voice, no data, no life.

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It is reassuring, in a Savile Row tailor sense, to see that after 311 years of tradition, Berry Bros & Rudd is innovating.  There has been a technology EXPLOSION recently with a well constructed and very readable blog, a whizzy website and now an iPhone app.

As an iPhone addict, who gets frustrated at not even being able to delete an email whilst on the tube, it is refreshing to see that the app is available offline.

It’s a must-have for wine geeks.  For example, if you want to check the retail price of an overpriced bottle in Gaucho Grill, you can do so discreetly, under the table, and then argue righteously and indignantly with the waiter about how you object to being fleeced by a two bit South American theme park (that happens to serve great steaks).

Then again, BBR has a disappointing range of Argentineans – a mere nine wines (compared to 190 champagnes and 391 clarets).  And if you actually want to order a wine you have to go to the BBR website – but this is a small complaint that I feel sure they will resolve in good time.  Hopefully not another 311 years.

Most successful software is never the real deal until version 3.  This is the version that appeases the early, and even late majority, and therefore wins the market.  I have just downloaded the 3.0 operating system for my iPhone and it was worth the wait.

OS 2.0 had holes the size of moon craters.  If you own another brand I bet you can cut and paste.  I bet you can send multimedia messages.  I bet you can capture voice recording.  I bet you can remotely wipe your phone if it is stolen.  (OK this last one is fairly unique).  These yawning gaps have been filled in 3.0 and without having to download any more apps.  Need meteorite strike insurance?  There’s an app for that….

That having been said, the single greatest strength of the iPhone is that is has learnt, ironically from Microsoft, that to create a successful platform you have to create a community and allow them to expand your platform by building applications.  This happens much faster than you could ever build applications yourself so the usage of your platform spreads like wildfire.

Witness Steve Jobs who, a billion application downloads later, must be wondering if he will catch up Bill Gates in the software wealth stakes before the decade is out.

In honour, I was hoping to bring you a wine that tastes of apple, but this one is pure lemon.

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Some gadgets are adorable and some are practical.  None are both.

My iPhone is adorable but lacks practicality on so many levels.  It is missing some very basic technical features like cut and paste.  I keep dropping it because it is too smooth to hold.  It always looks like it’s been pawed by a jello wrestling dog that has just walked across a skid pan.

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I’ve had a couple of marketing lessons recently.

The first was pulling into a service station with my iPhone flashing a “10% power” warning.  A FoneBitz franchise saw me coming (and presumably had the pictures).  It was more than irony that they stiffed me for £24.95 for an in-car charger.  When the assistant saw me laugh out loud (LOL), she didn’t.  The iPhone cost less than that, I giggled.  “Do you want the item, sir?” said the straight-faced lady.  I had 20 phone calls to make and 200 miles to drive, so I handed over the dirty ransom.

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I guess it’s a bit early to be drinking 2005 Gevrey, but I am an impatient man.  My father’s death taught me never to put things off, especially if they are things you might enjoy.  As the old saying goes, if you do it today and you like it, you can do it again tomorrow.

You might think it trite to apply this logic to a bottle of wine but having the patience of a sinner is my cross to bear.  I am the curious cat with tannin stained whiskers.  The Kentucky Fried Chambertin.  The Blackberry addict who switched to Apple too soon.  The oenological antithesis to Mother Theresa, at so many levels.  And anyway, I ordered half a case, so I can do it again tomorrow if I feel like it.

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On my new iPhone I have downloaded an application called AroundMe. It is totally brilliant.  Staying at the Grange, Holborn in London, I simply select Restaurants and AroundMe finds all the local ones, literally within a few hundred yards.  I can then locate my favoured choice on a map and ask for directions, shortcut to its website or quicklink through to dial its telephone number.

I was intrigued by Trattoria Verdi because it was founded in 1964, the year of my birth.  No resto lasts that long unless it has some loyal custos.  The waitresses however, were probably born thirty years later and wore the slightly supercilious, bemused, and yet knowing smile of the receptionist that served Alan Partridge at the Norwich Travel Tavern.

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Buying an iPhone is a bit like getting married to Pamela Anderson and then finding out she’s done a porno.  Almost everything is exquisite, near perfect, round, supple and enticing.  But you quickly start finding out that a few assumptions you made were wrong, and everyone knew but you.

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Under pressure from my peers at work to get a push email device, I quickly rejected the Samsung Omnia and, less readily, the Nokia N96, so that left me with a technological fruit cocktail to contend with:  Apple or Blackberry.

I’ve been a Nokia man since I switched from an ancient Ericsson in the early 1990s.  I was an early adopter of mobile phones on account of working in a disaster planning role.  Oh how we laughed in those early days as we ate in a curry house in Bingley enduring super slow service.  I had an idea.  I pulled out my brick shaped device, telephoned the restaurant and ordered the bill to much guffawing from other customers.  Doesn’t sound so stupid nowadays but phones then were primitive, and I was the only person in the resto, possibly in the whole village, that had such a bulge in my pants.

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