Confessions of a Wino

It’s a bit like Audrey II, the man-eating plant in Little Shop of Horrors.  My liver is taunting me to feed it some alcohol.  But whilst resisting the siren songs of Bacchus is the easy bit of my new year detox, my lily-livered response to caffeine addiction has been unmitigated capitulation.  Early foreplay with Earl Grey has now escalated to full frontal intercourse with Ceylon Orange Pekoe, through Queen Anne and even onto (gasp) sturdy robust Assam, the foundation of builders’ tea, in which well brewed cups, a teaspoon can stand as erect and proud as a pleasure dome on the road to Xanadu.  Rogering my central nervous system senseless.  Mmmmm feels good.

So whilst I have no contemporary wine experiences to write about, perhaps I ought to catch up with some old notes from 2009.  Yes, I’ll do that right now.  Oh hang on, I have to exercise first.

Day seven of my lamentable detox effort.  No alcohol has cursed my veins, but the no-caffeine promise has been all too frequently punctured by warm, friendly, lovable mugs of Earl Grey.

Having been snowed in most of the week, tonight I am waiting for the F Word final on Channel 4.  It’s a shame that Manchester’s Sweet Mandarin was eliminated in the semi.  Further shame that Evuna didn’t make it through the heats, if only for its super wine list.  Good luck to The Pheasant - looks favourite to win.

Appearing on the F Word, I hear, are fellow bloggers Oliver Thring and Helen Graves, and Douglas Blyde.  All good reads.  Will they be dancing a Gay Gordon?

This may be made from M. Burguet’s favourite old vines but I am not that impressed.

The first bottle I opened was cloudy as a January day in Manchester (any day in January, take your pick) and as bitter as a teaspoonful of chicory essence – remember that wartime coffee substitute?  No I don’t either.

The second bottle wasn’t cloudy but failed to live up to its price tag of £26 from the cyber-shelves of the Wine Society.

I will give the second bottle the benefit of my detox tainted palate, but I will be writing to Messrs Johnson and co to get my £25.95 back for the first.

For the record it was a little soapy although had a few redeeming flavours of radishes and Eton Mess.  I would expect more from a £7.50 bottle of Chilean Pinot.

One of the advantages of detoxifying ones body is the opportunity to lose weight.

The Xmas festivities somehow adversely affected the accuracy of my bathroom scales causing a mean error of plus 6 lbs.

Happily, rigorous exercise, sensible eating, and abstinence means I am now below last year’s weight already.  I am not one to rest on my laurels but it is time for a treat.  A certain cheeky little Pinot Noir has my name on it for this evening.  YUM!

To pass the time during my New Year detox, I have been hoovering up wine bargains to stock up for the year ahead and to get my taste buds flowering in anticipation.

Two bargains stand out from the crowd, one from Costco, one from the Wine Society.  One Champagne, the other red wine but from a relatively close starting point.

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Every January I do my penance and teach my evil body a lesson by depriving it of alcohol, caffeine and fried foods, and forcing it to strain and pump to weird tunes on my cross training sessions.  Usually I get bored after about two weeks.

Sat here in the middle of my current detox, not one single person has asked me which water is best for detoxifying with, so I thought I would tell you.

The still water of choice in the Wino household is Volvic.  I find Evian just a tad too chalky, and others too expensive, although my local Spar currently has 4L of Evian for £1.25 so chalk it is for now.  Well we are in a depression aren’t we?

On celebratory evenings, my fizz is supplied by San Pellegrino, the sparking water of kings and the Mafia.  The bubbles are just right and if drunk cold, is a perfect refresher after exercise.  The bottle recommends serving at 8 to 10 degrees Celsius but I say take it straight from the fridge at about 5 deg.

So for good detox simply sleep well, drink water and exercise a lot.  You will feel great, but don’t die of boredom.

Currently I have only old wine notes to publish, which offer limited stimulation to a writer’s juice flowing equipment.  Oh well, once more unto the breach of the cross trainer…